thoughts, etc.

January 26, 2021 ✧ 10:56am

Whenever I read my old diary entries (irl diary) my heart literally sinks.

"You are alone"? "Love is an illusion"? Shut up! I am glad I can read my old self and think "she sucks," because, yeah. She does suck, but that is because she didn't know any better - things were not the best and the negativity that surrounded her fogged her mind. I think being disappointed in your past self is a sign of growth. The individual is the only one who can attest to this, so in my case I'd say it's positive growth. I learned to take care of myself more, and - again - I'm working to become who I think I should be. Focus less on other people. Not by stopping being kind and try to sympathize with someone else, but instead by stopping to shape my 'self' based on other people's... 'selves'. I always want to be liked by someone new. I try to impress them. I do the things they do. Listen to the music they listen to, watch the films they've talked about, maybe even read about a topic I have never heard of before. I get tired, bored. I cry! Because I always come to the realization that I am not truly enjoying myself. Sure, I like to consume new media and stuff, but the media I like. Sure, we do shape ourselves based on the people around us - but not all of us do this to impress them. Reading the book your friend recommended you is different from adopting a whole different persona around (and for) a certain person. It is a sad situation then. Pretending has never helped my relationships anyway. Some people have said I'm cool... because yeah lol I am pretty fucking cool lol. But also because I do not fake being someone else? Perhaps. Maybe. K. I think more people should portray their flaws to the world. I should start portraying my true, wholly flawed character. Everyone, even.

Also - very unrelated. I want to declare my love for someone. I do not have a someone to declare my love to, though. I just want to tell someone I love them.

✧ 11:15am ✧

January 25, 2021 ✧ 8:26am

Right now I'm sitting in my room. Listening to Sharon Van Etten while drinking my coffee - with milk! I don't think I've ever attempted to make coffee this way. I think I did pretty good, but I definitely needed to add more coffee.

I've been feeling so good. Way too good. I do not know what to think of this. Because I'm feeling good I can only guess it is because I am supposed to feel good. I like feeling this way. It somehow makes me feel closer to the people around me - or, due to the current events taking part in the American North, not quite around me. I like feeling good about myself! I washed my face and I smiled at my reflection in the mirror?? Wow. I keep thinking we're different people. Maybe we are different people. Her and me. Me and her. We just meet from time to time. I enjoy seeing her, sometimes. Now more than ever. Perhaps I feel this good because spring is nearing? My favorite season is spring. It's kinda poetic, spring. The shift from winter to spring. Unfortunately I am not as poetic as I wish I was, so I cannot beautify my words.

Something I need to learn to appreciate is birds. I fucking hate birds. I hate loud noises!!! Shut up!!!!!!!! I do not feel as good now.

✧ 8:39am ✧

January 20, 2021 ✧ 11:50pm

It'd be so iconic if I had been born under the Moon in Cancer, instead of the Sun. I feel deeply connected to Her, the Moon. When I was a kid I was allowed to have a sleepover with my cousins, at my uncle's house. I enjoyed it, until the time to fall asleep came, that is. Yes, I was one of those kids who had to leave due to homesickness. The bed was next to the window, so I could see the Moon with clarity. I started singing to it. If I remember correctly, it was a song about my mom - about how much I missed her. My uncle heard me. He bothered to drive me all the way back to my grandma's house, where my mom and I were staying.

My mom and I used to spend a lot of time outside, in our balcony. She'd tell me about whatever weird thing she had seen in the sky - she was a big alien believer - a big believer, in general. She used to sing me lullabies about the Moon, too. There are so many of those. I remember this one story. My parents had gifted me this storybook. It was a compilation of short stories about women. I liked it so much I scribbled across the pages with green crayon. Anyways, this story about the Moon (which can be read here) is about how She rejects the Sun. He - the Sun - wants to marry her, but to do this, the Moon proposes he gets her a dress that fits her perfectly. Because of the Moon Cycle, of course, the Sun cannot get her a dress that does so. That is why she's free. One day, I wish to be as free as the Moon.

A lot of the things I do are for Her, really. And a lot of things remind me of Her, too. Songs and poems. I love the Moon.

 The moon, of course, is always
there—day moon, but it’s still there; behind the clouds but
it’s still there. I like seeing things: a hand, the moon, ice
in a highball glass. The moon? It’s free, it doesn’t
cost you anything so go ahead and look. Sustained attention 
to anything—a focus, a scrutiny—always yields results.
I’d live on the moon probably except I think I’d miss
the moonlight. 

✧ 12:32am ✧

January 17, 2021 ✧ 11:30am

I feel so... weird. While I've known this since I started high school, the time is finally here. Ugh. That sounds super cliché, but it's true! I'm graduating this spring and it's so weird. I'm not prepared to go to college. I fucked up a lot in the application process, but I finished all my applications!! Today, actually. Again, I have not slept since yesterday - I kind of went through my college list and applied to this one school near me almost impulsively. Okay. Completely impulsively. I just had to submit an essay that was it. Along with the rest of the basic college application bullshit. Since I already had my essay I finished that thing in a few minutes. Now I wait. I'm scared! I don't think I'll be rejected from that one though. But the rest? The first plan was to get accepted into a cool, liberal arts college in the East. However, I have just realized I'm dumb and stupid and a complete imbecile so the current plan is to get accepted into an okay college nearby. I only applied to... two in-state colleges. Big fuck up. My fault. Not a good idea. Why would I even do that.

Alright. Besides college stuff, I've done... a lot, actually. Yay me. The spring semester started a week ago. I'm feeling good. Well, not really. I failed two of my classes last semester. I was pardoned, but it's still embarrassing since I've never failed a class before. I'm disappointed in myself. 2020 wasn't my year. Was it anyone's? Jesus. Ok. Ok. What have I done? I listed my goals for this year. Which I always do. Okay, not always, but who cares. Uhh... I got a new bed! And I've been talking to my family. That is actually sad, since it's mostly because of bad news in the family. Sad face. What else? I've accepted my identity as a emotionally unavailable hopeless romantic. Yup. That's me. Not exactly something I'm proud of. What I am proud of, though, is that I can accept that as a fact, rather than deny it. It's not a good thing, of course. I'm working on the emotionally unavailable part! How? Well, it might sound bizarre, but apparently I have to vocalize my emotions in order to understand them. Like this, but much more in depth. I'm not talking conceptual maps about my mood, it's more of a... I feel like this because that caused it kind of thing. Ahhh. It sounds so simple!! It's not!! It's hard!!! But I'm trying my best!!!! I don't even know if this will help me become more emotionally... available?

Ok. What else. Hmm. I have watched one movie so far. Lady Bird. I really like Lady Bird. I've been watching The Twilight Zone, re-watching Puella Magi Madoka Magica, and planning to watch some movies, including Masculin Féminin and some random Mexican ones. I noticed the Call Me By Your Name soundtrack has been making rounds again, so I'll probably pay that one a re-watch as well. Now, for books... I'm currently reading El laberinto de la soledad by Octavio Paz. I have yet to list the books I want to read this month. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's it for now, I guess. I'm super tired I want to sleep but I have stuff to do!! Cringe.

✧ 11:54am ✧